I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
