I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
