I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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