Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
