I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I'm really into asian looking animals
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
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