I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
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