Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Floor bacon is actually really good
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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