Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Randomize
