I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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