Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
