just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
