gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
