Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Go christen that room with your naked body.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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