they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Randomize
