wanna go halves on a baby?
4 words: hood of his car
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
