This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
