hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
