His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
