SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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