Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
