My underwear smells like fireworks.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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