Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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