Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
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