ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
