I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Randomize
