i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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