So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
