Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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