just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
