Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
