i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
