My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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