the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
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