Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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