my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
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