So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
im six kinds of drunk right now
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
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