I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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