I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
