Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
