He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Randomize
