just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
