Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
