FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
