dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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