hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
