i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
