I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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