One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
