So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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