I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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