He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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